The Fellowship Of The Pigs

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Postcards from Perth- a confession
Due to the overwhelming activity (the lack of it that is..) on this blog, yours truly has been constantly bombarded with requests from our dear la-mer pig to post something.

Jessie never disappoints. *nods head*

But before i launch into anything else.. I have to tell u all something..

Actually i didn really come online becoz neo asked me to.. it's becoz of something that has been bothering me for the past week; coz something dramatic has taken place in my life and i never told any of u piggies about it..

Pls dun judge me upon my confession... i am kinda pleading with you all here.

It's partly due to the fact that i have too many guys after me. They bug me and disturb me and i am reallly getting tired of the fact that people always ask me if i am a lesbian due to my non-reciprocations.( as funny as it sounds, i m serious)

So in order to toss their inanities back at those jerks' scrawny asses, i have done the inevitable.

i am with someone now..

but that someone is actually a "she".

Sheen cover ur mouth i can see it hanging. Yh and Lin pls dun stare at the screen like that.. and cin i noe u will understand...

guys please dun judge me based on this. i am still ur top pig. used to be and always will be.

and no i wun get turned on when i see the rest of u. i have to make it clear coz i dun wan all of u to leave me because of my sexual trajectory.

i got together with the girl i m with now since last tuesday.

and i m not exactly blaming the guys who are after me for what i have chosen. it was a choice that i made becoz for the first time in my life, i felt this chemistry with someone.

i really didn mean to shock all of u all like this. i am so sorry. but i couldn find another avenue to tell u all about it.. in such a way that can allow u all some privacy to react..

coz i knew from the start u all wouldn react well to this.

and i think its always better to write out what u really want to say instead of having to verbalise it..

plus, i dun think i can accept your initial reactions upon hearing it straight from me.

coz it would really hurt ... and i would rather not have to see nor hear the reactions till i m back from Perth and most of you can (i really hope) come to terms with it. then i can pretend u all never disapproved of it in the first place.

yes i noe i am deceiving myself. but i rather do this than end up wallowing in hurt that my friends refuse to be happy for my choice in life.

i NEED support for this guys. It's my decision but i still need to know u guys are behind me all the way.. it was actually one of the most difficult decisions i had to make in my life. To like someone in a way tt is totally unorthodox and socially unconforming.

i noe i will be fine here in Aus coz they are very liberal. but things will be very different when i return to SG.

Neo remember the words u told me once on MSN? u said "love can really blind people".

and i think i have been blinded by it. Coz though i noe it's wrong, my visual impairment forbids me to see beyond the person tt i like. and i actually only and finally understood the meaning of "when u like someone, all logic goes out of the window" last week.

Neo and cin i know i have seen u both on MSN more than three times from last week. i m really sorry. i couldn't tell you all. If one of you felt i was acting weird (which would be u neo, since i asked u tons of weird questions about love and liking.. i really wanted to tell u but i couldn't), its becoz on so many occasions, i can't seem to press "enter" immediately after i have typed my words out.

It was very difficult.. for the first few days. i would stare into the screen after writing what i have to say.. and always.. at the very last second before pressing "enter", i would ask mself "can i salvage this? do they really need to know?" and i tell myself you all can wait.. maybe i will break up with her in a few days and pretend nothing happened. and u all can continue on being yourselves without viewing me in a different light.

But i realised after yesterday night that i can't.

It's something that i can't block out. I can break up with the girl for the next few days.. but who am i to know that there wun be a next time?

And I can't keep things from you all for long. It actually suffocates me from the inside.

"Why?" u might wonder.

"Why Jess? Why?"

Honestly?

I dunno. I didn expect it either. And i wun call this love. becoz u can't love someone without knowing the person inside out. but there was this weird feeling that i got when i talked to her. It came from my stomach and i just felt this unfathomable fluttering from my chest area when she leaned closer to get our drinks. And she is very pretty.. the type of pretty and hot, but with that boyish demeanour about her that some can interpret as gutsy and really alluring.

She told me after that night that she felt that same way when we were looking at each other at that very precise moment.

ok i wun say anymore coz i know some of u are grossed out.

The weird thing about it is that both of us are about as girly looking as u can get. We both have long hair, big eyes and guys going after us. So i cannot comprehend it either why we felt this strange attraction for each other that night.

we dun assume the passive or active roles that u used to noe in secondary school. as far as i m concerned, both of us are just genderless (probably bordering more on the girlish side) when we are together.

We dress the way we always did.. there is no difference. only that now i think a part of my life has changed.

my parents noe nothing about it and i can't possibly tell them.

for the first time in my life, i feel a little lost. and i noe its no use asking for directions coz no one i know well enough has been down this path.

I believe that some of u are feeling really shocked and distressed now. But i am not going to change.
it's weird.. i thought i would feel like shit after confessing to you guys. but i actually feel better now that its out in the open.. i think its more of my instinct telling me to leave it up to you to decide whether you still want me for a friend.

I can't break up with her becoz its a feeling i cant shake off. and if i were to break up with her becoz u all cant accept it, it basically shows that my sexuality matters to you and you would never look at me in the same way again. so if it boils down to that, it would be pointless for me to do anything at this juncture.

I really treasure each and everyone of u. Who noes? maybe it's just a phase i am going through. Maybe i will break up with her a few days later. But then again maybe i won't.

I am just taking one step at a time now.. i dunno what is planned for the both of us, but i will just enjoy everything that i can now and not think about returning to sg to face the music.

You guys, pls dun breathe a word about this to my parents. I wun be able to take their disappointment.

Suddenly, i feel like a screwed-up wreck.

I am really sorry guys, but i wan to know if the people i really cherish will still be there for me regardless. To let u all know i am not keeping her from you, i am going to post a photo of her. we took it that night at the club. perhaps after u see her, u all might just understand why the two of us got together.

I dunno what i am doing... i think i am grasping at the straws to make u all feel what i feel. though i noe its fruitless..

pls dun judge us before u see us together. i will put the photo in. Please piggies, everyone, i m pleading with u.. just try to look at her in a positive light k?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

LOL.
wait wait.. told u all u have to see her in a positive light!

she is quite pretty what! look at that profile!!!!!!!!! wooow check out the nose!!!!

*falls off chair screeching with laughter*

Man.. that was a classic.. i know i m stuck all the way in Perth, but i can imagine u guys back there with those looks of horror on ur faces upon learning my new gender indications!

*regains composure.. a little*

Come on guys.. you all gotta have more faith in me than that! i wun ever turn my sexual tendencies into something i myself can't stomach lahz!

Or was it my writing that absolutely blew you all away? tt u all thought i was for real?

well i pretended i was a bi-sexual coming clean.. so i just wrote what i thought she would feel.

*ouch!* dun hit me!

*tumbles off table to avoid brains being fried by mental telepathy*

hahahahaha!

on a serious note though, when i pretended i was a bi-sexual coming clean with her people.. i really imagined myself in that scenario b4 writing each sentence.

So you could call it play-wright.. or rather.. play-write.

I would be good in drama coz i can immerse myselves in roles! LOL.

Well neoz, u kept bugging me to post! what was i supposed to write when nothing out of the ordinary has happened in my life here? and as for the rest of u.. tch tch tch.. u can't blame me.. u didn contribute to the blog and so i had to end up writing that ridiculous entry!

BUT IT WAS STILL GOOD FUN.

heehee!

and sheen, sucks to u for having yh and i fooled into half-believing u actually broke up with andy for a stack of credit cards and prime-ribs at Lawry's! GOTCHA! nalalalalala...

*calms down*

Ok.. ok.... laughter and idiocy aside, this entry was actually inspired by one of my radio presenters who came up with a Live interview for our radio the other day. She had invited into the studio a gay guy who spoke about his coming to terms with his own sexuality, the subsequent confession of his gender preferences to the people around him and his experiences on being villified for his life choices.

I did feel sad for the guy when i heard the interview. Some of this guy's friends left him and though most of his relatives know, he has yet to tell his parents. Not difficult to understand, since he is an australian born chinese; majority of the asian population here still harbour conservative views.. especially the older generation.

Still, i can't imagine having to live with such a deep dark secret without telling my parents. it will throw my whole world off balance.

lol u guys have nothing to worry about though, coz tts something that will never happen to your beloved top pig! hahahaha! go ahead and kill me if u wan. u will have to get through customs with a knife in ur backpack even after u manage to buy an air-ticket! *wheezes with laughter*

In case some people out there who are not pigs have been readin this, i have to stress tt i am so 100% perfectly straight a ruler couldn compare. LOL. y on earth would i wana be with a girl when there are tons of goodlooking men out there to perve on? heehee! besides, its no fun getting it on with a girl. U might as well just look into the mirror right?

Though i must say that what i mentioned is just a very superficial aspect of gay relationships. Often, these people have had tendencies towards members of their own gender instead of the opposite sex since birth. either that, or they crave for the kind of differences between women and men that cannot be given to them by a female. Inborn or instilled? I think its more innate than anythin else.

What do u guys think?

To lighten up the mood a little, i am gonna post a few photos that were taken at Raffles Ball 2005. It was held in the Hilton and i enjoyed most of it! though i was really tired by the end of the night..

from left- Jack the editor for Facets, a Singapore Link Newsletter, me, Melvin the Marketing Manager for TSL( this guy's got funny bones in every part of his body) and Ryan, the President of Singapore Link.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Ryan and Jack are my housemates btw. and all three of them are really cool ppl.. tt's y u see me unabashedly being the only girl in the pic. heehee!

I realise i am forever linked to people from TSL no matter how far i run. Lol. but its good coz i get perks.. such as gaining VIP entrance for myself and my friends into TSL clubbing events while other poor commonfolk have to join long queues and hum-dum till its their turn to get into the venue. *grinz unapologetically*

now for some pheromones...
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here are the girls! three lovely ladies, debbsters, tin and angel. My closest girl pals and shopping buddies here in Perth!!

and how can we leave out..

the grand piano!
Debsters and i look like we are performing onstage. she, the singer and me as her pianist heeehee! the piano is from Steinway and Sons. tts y i sooo had to get a picture w me playing it!

i love my own piano back home but there is something about grand pianos that makes u wana fall in love with them.. probably becoz they are linked to images of old school classic romances and magnificent evenings in Ballrooms.. like Raffles Ball!

Geez.. its time for bed. i have to continue on with my radio production tomorrow. will post photos from Mambo Red the next time i come online!

missing everyone back in sg...
hugz,
jess
Neo Chua Pig Plogged At 10:02 AM